“Those who plot the destruction of others often perish in the attempt.” – Thomas Moore
If recent global events show us anything, they show us that many of our fellow humans are devoid of the capacity to live in allowance of others. There is an innate need in these people to control others, and this need for control, for power, is, at the root, driven by and driven through self-hate and fear.
A comparable quest for power and domination is observed in politics. Here, the ugliest shadows of humanity proudly displays its face through the onslaught of political advertisements designed to tear one side down while simultaneously lifting the self up; a campaign strategy that is delusional at best, but I digress. The point is, here is another arena where fear mongering dominates and allowance of another is so far removed the idea of such is laughable.
On a smaller scale, but a more potentially damaging one, is the absence of allowance within the family unit. In the home we may be the recipient or even the unconscious imposer of control of those we ought best be able to love unconditionally, at least in theory.
I am presently reading, Shadows Before Dawn, Finding the Light of Self-Love Through Your Darkest Times, by Teal Swan. In her book, Teal describes how she was not the daughter her mother envisioned. Teal’s inability to conform to her mother’s ideal created “an almost fatal dynamic.” Teal’s mother could neither relate to, nor control who Teal was. The mother-daughter relationship is an opportunity for unconditional love to thrive, but like so many other mother-daughter relationships that was not Teal’s, or her mother’s experience.
“Love is the ability and the willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves
without any insistence that they satisfy you.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer
The family unit, in ideal conditions, is an opportunity for unconditional love to thrive. What prevents this from happening in so many families is the passing down from generation to generation the baggage, the lack, the disappointments, the unrealized expectations of desired unconditional love from the parent before. We can only be loved by our parents to the degree they felt valued, felt understood, felt loved, unless they make a conscious decision to rise above their own experience.
If we feel abused, emotionally or physically, by our parents and/or our siblings, harboring resentment, anger, and un-forgiveness like a precious gem is a sure-fire way to ensure we pass what we lack to our own children.
To heal our familial relationships we must choose to make allowances for our mother, father, sister(s) and brother(s). Being in allowance of another is not condoning or approving of the damaging behavior, just like forgiving another is not letting someone off the hook for their harm.
Rather, being in allowance of another is releasing our own need to control our wants, our expectations from that other person.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient; bearing with one another [and ourselves] in love.” – Ephesians 4:2
We are only truly able to begin to step into allowance of others, when we first choose to step into allowance of ourselves. Regardless of how our parents or our siblings make us feel, we are all unique, beautiful aspects of the Divine, and as Zig Ziglar said, “God don’t make no junk.”
Whatever our skills, talents, and crazy idiosyncrasies are, they are beautiful, right, and true. Give yourself the gift of allowing yourself to be you, and by doing so, over time, you will naturally be able to gift others the same.
LeNae Goolsby, JD, is an Empowerment Life Coach and the Practice Administrator for Infinite Health Integrative Medicine Center. She is also an adored wife, blessed mother of three awesome and amazing kids, and an infinite being in a body working on counting her blessings at every stop light.